Lady Antebellum Kneels in Submission, Gets Shat Upon

Country-pop trio Lady Antebellum are unintentionally providing a teachable moment to the rest of us as to why giving in to the politically correct outrage mob is never a good idea. Literally none of their fans found their name offensive, but that didn’t stop them from jumping on the current public apology bandwagon, announcing on Wednesday that they are “regretful and embarrassed” – not due to the damp dishrag Celine Dion adult contemporary radio slop they pump out, but because of the name they’ve gone by for 14 years. Though the Latin phrase ante bellum means “before the war,” public school-educated dolts in the U.S. only associate it with the American Civil War, the South and slavery, thus any group using the word is a racist – especially from country music, which everyone knows only appeals to fat white redneck fans of NASCAR, which itself made a big deal this week of banning Confederate flags at racetracks while newly allowing kneeling and other protests during the singing of the national anthem.

“We are deeply sorry for the hurt [our name] has caused and for anyone who has felt unsafe, unseen or unvalued,” the group – Hillary Scott, Dave Haywood and Charles Kelley – said in a statement, presumably written with a straight face. “Causing pain was never our hearts’ intention, but it doesn’t change the fact that indeed, it did just that. So today, we speak up and make a change.”

And with that, they officially truncated their name to Lady A, a nickname they say their fans have always called them anyway. Ta-dah! Racism erased! The sun rises on a new day! We good now, right, bro?

Not so fast. Just as every company that’s been tripping over one another releasing public statements in support of Black Lives Matter protesters (“See? Look at us! We’re the GOOD honkies!”) won’t have their storefronts and merchandise spared from rioters or looters the next time another George Floyd happens, the newly christened Lady A were attacked almost immediately. Seems that Lady A is already the name being used by a 61-year-old black blues singer from Seattle! That Lady A, believed by some to be the unwed welfare mother of illegitimate child Kid A, was righteously perturbed upon learning that some wack-ass crackers from Nashville had culturally appropriated her stage name.

“This is too much right now,” the Seattle Lady A told Rolling Stone regarding the Nashville Lady A (“her voice breaking,” the magazine emphasized). “They’re using the name because of a Black Lives Matter incident that, for them, is just a moment in time. If it mattered, it would have mattered to them before. It shouldn’t have taken George Floyd to die for them to realize that their name had a slave reference… It’s an opportunity for them to pretend they’re not racist or pretend this means something to them.”

Kids, let this serve as an important lesson to you. Never, ever bow to the outrage mob. You can never win. Just be who you are, and never apologize.

Perhaps Lady Antebellum should’ve gone with Lady Anti-Bollocks, since they’re clearly lacking in the gonads department. Meanwhile, we’re counting down the days ‘til the Dixie Chicks suddenly are shocked to find out some people might consider the word “Dixie” hateful, and immediately issue a statement changing their name to the much less offensive Dick Chicks.