Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Upon first seeing its trailer, I was convinced I’d already seen the movie and this must be a re-release! After all, its title harkens back to 2006’s Dead Man’s Chest and both Orlando Bloom and Geoffrey Rush get film credits for a story that mentions both Captain Jack’s compass and a ghost ship, which were plot points in Dead Man’s Chest. And if it sounds familiar, well, maybe that’s because it’s a much sadder vision of a Hammer film, The Lost Continent, from 1968, which was set in the mist-enshrouded Sargasso Sea where descendants from Spanish Conquistadors preyed on pirates. Norwegian directors Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg pick the franchise six years after the last one, with Jack, cross-eyed and arms outstretched as usual, robbing a bank using 12 horses to drag the entire building through the streets! Twelve horses?? Meanwhile, an anemic astronomically inclined Carina (Kaya Scodelario) is set to hang for witchcraft as the son of Will Turner, Henry (Brenton Thwaites), an accused traitor, comes to her rescue. These three decide all their troubles will evaporate if they can find the Trident of Poseidon, which grants whomever possesses it total control over the sea! Whew! Left for dead in the Devil’s Triangle, Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) is resurrected along with his decomposing crew, looking to settle a score with Jack Sparrow, putting Geoffrey Rush in the middle. Hell, all we need is for Admiral Halsey to pop up….and by golly, he does!!! The film felt as if hundreds of nations had risen and fallen in the space of time it takes to tell this story!