Frankie Cosmos – Vessel

Frankie Cosmos, aka Greta Kline, and her backing band are bland, pretentious, charlatan, bullshit non-artists that play soft, non-thinking, mind-numbing, safe-ass pieces of antiseptic rock ‘n’ roll, with lyrics about super-vague, nonsensical, intangible things that are supposedly supposed to invoke some type of emotion, but what we’re really left with are just dumb-downed, uber-boring, cardboard reminders of how terrible this Tide Pod generation, their music, their art, their culture, their attitude, and everything about them truly is. Even their protests suck! They’re the first generation in history to stage protests (with the help of their parents, big money donors, and celebrities like Lady Gaga) that ask for their Constitutional rights to be taken away from them. Brilliant minds at work right here, brilliant minds. Sub Pop supposedly discovered Frankie Cosmos off of Kline’s Bandcamp website online too (making everything about this even more interesting/hilarious/insufferable/pretentious, etc., depending on how you look at it things), where she was releasing tons of songs, because being prolific automatically qualifies something to be instantly credible for some reason even if the material is garbage, makes no sense, or all sounds exactly the same.

Hey, these songs aren’t bad. The record’s actually passable. It’s in focus. It doesn’t kick ass or anything, but it’s alright. Just alright. We don’t get out of a Seth Rogen movie, laud Seth Rogen, praise him, and act like Seth Rogen is God. We don’t say, “Seth Rogen is AMAZING! BEST. ACTOR. OF. ALL. TIME.” He’s not. He’s just okay. He’s tolerable. He’s in focus. He’s not that bad. He’s not that good. He only really sucks if you’re having a bad day or if you’re just some huge douchebag that has a problem with chubby Jewish guys or something, I don’t know. But with this band, folks close their eyes and talk down their nose at you about Frankie Cosmos like they know something you don’t know for some reason, but what’s funny is they don’t know shit. There’s nothing to get. This band isn’t complex. Just a bunch of know-nothing pretentious kids playing pop music and packaging it up like it’s something special, like it’s art-rock, emotional art, like that’s never been done before. Newsflash: it’s been done a thousand times before. Of course if you eat Tide Pods, well, you’re too spent to realize that, and bingo, that’s how record labels are still in business, and you’re getting mad as you read this, ’cause you’re an idiot.

Another thing that helps this record be passable = short songs, which is also a contradiction to hipsters getting all pretentious about this band. It’s very hard to get all pretentious about a band with short songs. When folks do that, that means one thing: POSER ALERT!

Frankie Cosmos
[Sub Pop]