Avengers: Endgame

Okay, so first off, [spoiler!], but then [spoiler!] happens, totally throwing a curve ball into all the [spoiler!], but it’s fine, take a breath, since [spoiler!] all of a sudden [spoiler!] and [spoiler] and [spoiler!][spoiler!](holy shit!)[spoiler!], but not for long, since [spoiler!] comes back, and [spoiler!] disappears and [spoiler!] beats the tar outta [spoiler!] just before everyone in the Marvel freakin’ Universe (even [spoiler!])[spoiler!][spoiler!](whoa!!!)[spoiler!][spoiler!], and yeah, [spoiler!] dies, but on the bright side, [spoiler!] lives happily ever after. The End.

How’s that? Did I do a sufficient enough job guarding all the movie’s big secrets and plot twists so you can enjoy it “spoiler free” on opening day? Good. I will offer the following five items, none of which should ruin anything for you:

(1) You probably already heard that The Dude, aka Thor, guzzles Creature Comforts Tropicalia in the movie, which is primo product placement for one of the better craft beers in Georgia, where much of the movie (and many of Marvel’s others) was filmed. I think that’s pretty cool. They could’ve used any old piss water, but it’s somehow fitting that Thor would prefer a hoppy, full-bodied, citrusy American IPA out of Athens. Right?

(2) For the silly old TV version of The Incredible Hulk, Bill Bixby played scientist Dr. David Banner, purportedly because CBS suits felt the name Bruce was “too gay-ish.” There’s a therapy scene early in Avengers: Endgame with a small but significant line of dialog that has to be a poke-in-the-eye to that.

(3) Obsessive comic book/superhero movie (probably cosplay too) nerds who delve into tedious know-it-all discussions once the end credits begin to roll about why they didn’t have Captain America do this, or why they had Iron Man say that, and OMG they didn’t even have Thanos mention THIS, and how if only they’d been consulted it would’ve been a far better movie, (also, “When’s the embargo over? Is that Eastern time zone?? Because I drove four hours to get here, since there was no press screening in my market!!” Augghh!!!) are the Most Annoying People on Earth, Part 759,433. The screening I attended was infested with them. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? It was just film critics doing what they always do.

(4) Speaking of end credits, you don’t necessarily need to sit through them this time, unless you worked on the local crew and you’re looking for your name. There are no mid- or post-credits bonus scenes. Which is for the best. The film is three hours long! And it ends sweetly and perfectly.

(5) Avengers: Endgame is dazzling, deeply touching, expectedly (yet still refreshingly) funny, thrillingly epic and an all-around triumph. It deserves a Best Picture nomination far more than the dimwitted and utterly overhyped Black Panther. But they’ll probably save it for the next Captain America movie, since he’ll be black. Ooops… spoiler!